After 30 years as a coach and supervisor, I have met and treated many different types of people. Over the years, I have been a sought-after therapist, including among “hot” people (read: people considered conventionally attractive) in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.
Many people are surprised when I tell them that it is often the very beautiful women who have difficulty finding lasting love. After all, we’re told that conventional beauty is the secret to happiness, love and success. If only that were true!
Three honest reasons why beautiful women have a harder time finding love
1. Hotness affects sense of self and relationships
There are two types of physically attractive adults: those who know they look good, and those who either don’t see it in themselves or deny it out of humility.
Men are overwhelmingly more visual in their evaluations than women, both of themselves and of other people. And physical ‘beauty’ tops the list of desirable qualities for a man looking for a woman to date. But women are more attracted to other qualities: emotional and financial stability, respect, humility with confidence and a winning smile.
While a physically attractive woman may take time to get ready for her day, she rarely thinks about how great she looks. A man is more likely to rate himself positively if he has assessed his appearance in the mirror according to a study in the Journal of Strong psychology.
When mutually super-attractive people – which some would rate a 10 according to the old trope – enter into a relationship, how does their appearance and the impression they make on others affect the couple in the short and long term?
PeopleImages.com – Yuri A
2. Beauty causes problems for women and is troublesome for men
Research published in the Journal of Behavioral Sciences explores how these general observations make for some difficult coupling dynamics. Handsome men are often full of themselves and arrogant. Beautiful women are the objects of desire by men and are often only approached by physically attractive men, because more ‘normal’ men make the mistake of thinking that because they are not attractive, they have no chance with a particular ‘hot’ woman.
When a man has other attractive qualities, such as a good sense of humor, humility, a winning smile, a good job, an interest in literature or other cultural entertainment, and is a good listener and conversationalist, chances are he will at least gently welcomed by a physically attractive woman. This is especially true if she is also interested in literature, travel, cultural entertainment, and so on.
The problem is that the common man doesn’t approach her, doesn’t ask her for a date, and suffers because the only men who do are arrogant and mainly interested in her beauty.
Over time, it is not uncommon for a beautiful woman to become jaded by the prospect of finding a man with whom she can build a completely intimate relationship.
Or she can “settle” for an attractive man, despite his anti-relationship attitude. This frustration often leads a woman to seek counseling for depression, hopelessness, or coaching on how to change who she attracts. To make matters worse for her, especially when she is young, many women she meets are cold and dismissive towards her.
Men don’t suffer from these kinds of prejudices, but arrogance and self-righteousness are a turn-off for other men, but also for women. Women in their 30s and 40s often have enough experience with full-fledged men to be suspicious, but it’s hard to ignore the charm that many good-looking men have developed.
Nevertheless, the wise, confident beauty will let her suspicions take control, while still remaining curious whether the man from whom she has accepted an invitation will be an exception. It won’t be long before he shows if he’s interested in who she is and not just her beauty. If he doesn’t pass her internal evaluation or at least impress her as a “maybe,” he will lose her.
Unfortunately, this man will probably not look at herself during the interaction, but instead blame her for being cold or conceited. If his behavior and inability to judge himself is a recurring response to rejection, he may feel lonely or move from one woman to another. perpetuate misogyny.
In this case, he will be quite unhappy and angry.
It can certainly be a problem for both men and women, and even more pronounced for women who have many talents and qualities beyond just their appearance. So, what’s a 20, 30, or even 40-something to do? An attractive man would do well to cultivate humility and develop his conversation skills.
Most people like to talk about themselves, at least a little, and when a man takes an interest in a woman’s intelligence, ambitions, interests and achievements and spares her his compliments in favor of sharing his similar interests, chances are that he at least hold her attention long enough to ask for a date.
This applies to any man, but the handsome man may encounter an initial icy attitude from a beautiful woman that an ordinary and sincere man may not have. A confident, versatile, ordinary man has an advantage over the “10!”
What should a single person do who is looking for a relationship?
The beautiful woman has a much greater challenge because the quality men are so often intimidated by her appearance. She has to pay attention to what the regular boys do, say and think when they don’t know she’s there. She will then have to give some signals of interest, which the handsome man assumes are present by his appearance.
Now, there are plenty of good-looking men who are not arrogant or full of themselves, but because a beautiful woman has had experience with a man who is full of himself, it can be difficult for the good, attractive man to get over the hurdle. her expectation.
A study by Linda Kalof by George Mason University helps demonstrate that are attractive women OThis is often misunderstood if she is trying to cultivate an attitude that cannot be interpreted as flirting, so she may need to learn subtle ways to encourage that talented and interesting ‘5’ to show interest and approach her.
My advice for a woman considered a “9” or “10” is: If you are single and hoping to find a good man, your antennae for arrogance are already tuned – pay attention to it.
Dean Drobot via Shutterstock
3. You need to follow additional considerations to find the right partner
You should beware of the average, smart, talented, capable, confident guy who doesn’t pay much attention to you.
Don’t assume this is aloofness. Remember that he is confident in himself, but has already assumed that you will not be interested in him. You get his attention by being a little interested in him, but with subtlety: chin down, eyes up, looking at him. Show genuine interest in what he “plans” to do with his life.
Occasional, subtle physical contact – a light touch on the arm or shoulder – can also send a signal that you are interested. Don’t be afraid to ask him out!
Now for the men. If you are an attractive man and the woman you are interested in has been bold enough to turn her attention to you, be quiet about yourself and how much you desire her and her beauty.
You may think you are pretty, but while that may be true, it may be third or fourth on her list of favorable qualities.
Really put yourself in the background. Show curiosity, pay attention without thinking about how to “get” her, and if she favors you with her attention, don’t be needy or desperate or remind her how wonderful you are. She has a life and ambitions, and once you’ve had a few dates with her, live your life and let her find out about you without you even trying.
Just because you look good doesn’t mean you’re single or settled.
I know more about the dangers of beauty for a woman than about the sufferings of a very handsome man. Why? Because women see a therapist much more often than men.
If you follow my advice, you will find someone who suits you. By appreciating your partner for what he or she is and appreciating everything he or she has to offer – regardless of physical appearance – you will find the right partner, even if you are both ten years old!
William ‘Bill’ Meleney is a Washington State Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
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