Thank them, because miraculously it worked. Your stress is now completely gone and a blind rage has taken its place. You can’t even remember a time when you didn’t feel so much anger. You marvel at your newfound strength as you look up at the Mazda CX-5 that you can now lift over your head with ease.
Google “nearest ocean.” Start walking towards it. Collect stones along the way.
Smile and keep blinking emphatically until they disappear.
If you care about this person, study his face. Because this is the last time you ever want to see it.
Ask them if this statement has worked for them in the past. If they say yes, back away slowly. You are not safe. Reach your hand discreetly in your pocket, unlock your phone and call 911. I hope you don’t accidentally dial #44.
Open your Notes app, scroll to your Master Plan and read it. “Step 1: Separate the not-to-stresser from the packaging.” Start with their significant other using the internet. Find out that their partner is currently attending graduate school at UCLA. Stop working. Enroll at UCLA
Inhale to the count of three. Exhale for a count of three. Do this until you start to cry. Who are you kidding? You’ve been looking for an excuse. Let those tears flow and take a selfie when they do. The color of your eyes really stands out when you cry and you always forget to take pictures of yourself.
Respond in a high-pitched voice: “OhhhI shouldn’t stress?! Thanks for the tip, asshole.” Brace yourself for a blow. Cherish how alive the pain and the word “son of a bitch” make you feel.
Relax and enjoy the moment because you finally have something to talk about during therapy, other than your low sex drive.
Take a deep breath. Blow it all over their face. Make sure you use your diaphragm.
Look behind you. There’s definitely someone else in the room they were talking to. If you don’t notice anyone, it means they can see ghosts. Say hello to said ghost. The last thing you need when you’re stressed is an angry ghost, or an angry person who sees ghosts.
Run to the ocean. It’s much faster.
If you’re holding a drink, throw it in their face. Cross “throwing a drink in someone’s face” off your bucket list. Add “throwing a drink in someone’s face” to your list of things that bring me joy.
Be grateful. You just thought nothing interesting ever happens to you. Keep this encounter in your brain as fodder for dinner party conversations. Make a decision to use the word “feed” more often. Check your phone to see if you’re using the word “feed” correctly.
Keep your head up and remind yourself that this person doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. You now have a degree from UCLA! That’s what matters. Apply for positions in academia. Suddenly think of the bastard. Return to your Master Plan.
Pinch yourself: this is a nightmare and it’s time to wake up.
Squeeze them while you tell them them “don’t stress.”
Squeeze the air – by pressing your index finger hard on your thumb. This may be the first time you successfully take a photo. Life would be so much better if you could snap (while also snapping at someone).
Pray for them, for they are more lost than you are. Make sure you say, “I am praying for you.” (It doesn’t matter if you don’t know any prayers.)
Drive to the ocean: that’s the fastest option. Rip up the sand and towards the water. Yes, that’s it. Hit the brakes just before you hit the surf. Roll down the windows and breathe in the fresh, salty air. Think about the idiot who probably doesn’t enjoy a beautiful pink-purple sunset. Skip the stones you collected earlier. Grab your phone and take a selfie. Cherish how much better you are getting at taking photos of yourself. Send the said photo to the asshole with the caption “Don’t stress.”